Dear Gran...

I thougth we had a bit more time.  I thought you were the comeback kid and that this would floor you for a bit but with a bit of TLC you'd be back to you again. 
I should have known in September when you said how you werent looking forward to this winter that you were fed up & tired, worn out. 

You said you wanted to go, but selfishly I wanted you to stay. 

I regret not seeing you the night before you died, I was supposed to pop in to say goodnight but after bath time & bed routines I was tired and it was late.  There's not a night or day that goes by that I dont regret that decision.

Im sorry to have let you down, the one person in my life who would/could never have let me down.

Do you remember a couple of days before you died I gave you a kiss on the forehead and told you I  love you, you smiled told me you loved me too and I said I wish I could take you home with me again?  You gave me a smile & you sighed?  What would have happened if I had taken you home?  You got well last time you came home to us, you went from being a mouse with no strength to you & able to stand again.  Would you have gotten better? 

Ack I wish I had the answers & a time machine. 

I wish I did hand on heart believe you are somewhere...watching down on us.  I light your candle every night just in case you are here with us.  It gives me comfort to have something real, a task to do. 

Of course life goes on, it's still so soon since you went.  Of course we were so very lucky to have had you for such a long time.  Of course we are so much luckier than some.

But you know what?  I still miss you so very, very much. 

Thank you for everything, the obvious things, the food parcels that you gave me when I left home so young.  The slipped fivers that appeared in my bag or kitchen drawer when you'd visit. 
Then there are the not so obvious things.  Even when you didnt agree with my choice you would stand by my side offering total support.  The advice you gave was solid, even if you couldnt help you would listen be the peacemaker, the voice of reason.

You lived your life.  Sounds obvious but you really did live life, you didnt let it pass you by.  You were honest, courageous, steadfast, loyal, loving, supportive, decent, fair and so many other things.

It's hardly suprising I miss you so...you leave a mighty gap in our lives. 
I'm thankful you are no longer in pain, that when I came to see you, you were still so warm & toasty and you really did look so 'at peace'. 
Im thankful for the chance I had to give you one last hug.  The hug I'd wanted to give you for many years but just couldnt because hugs hurt.

It's hard to not be sad, I do try to remember you with laughter...to think of you with a G&T in your hand, a naughty smile on your face and a betting slitp in your purse.

I miss you Gran, I love you and I am forever grateful to have been loved by you.

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